


Date At The Diner

by meowchela



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: M/M, girl stinky would disappoint hilary farr and we all know it, last one im posting today i swear, so the stinkies are running the diner together, takes place after season two of the telltale games but before season three, the food at stinky's is disgusting and i tried to show it so sorry if it makes anyone squeamish, warning for some kinda gross descriptions, writing this made me realize just how bad the interior design of the diner in s2 was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19296793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowchela/pseuds/meowchela
Summary: Sam and Max go on a date to Stinky’s.





	Date At The Diner

The decor in Stinky’s diner was almost as bad as the food. There were three walls, all different colors, and various knick knacks lined the walls sporadically. Nothing had a consistent theme, not even the songs on the jukebox adhered to one genre, which would be acceptable except they were all extremely terrible songs that nobody would dare risk wasting their money on listening to.  
Sam and Max sat in the booth closest to the exit, next to a standalone traffic light that usually had a viking hat on it. Said viking hat was missing, though, because Max had stolen it and crowned himself king of the vikings.  
“Say, Max,” Sam said, taking the hat off his partner’s head and putting it back in its place atop the traffic light, “What do you say we spice things up?”  
“I’m not going to get mad at you for taking away my vinking kingship because I’m interested in what you’re about to say,” said Max. “Go on.”  
“You know how usually we only order one or two things from here, and those are usually on the more edible side of the menu?” Sam started.  
“Yes, but it’s coming as a shock to me that _any_ of the food in this place could be considered ‘edible’,” Max said.  
“Quiet, bonehead, i’m not done talking.” Sam continued his proposition, “Well, what if we ordered some of the more grotesque items off the menu, and saw who could eat it faster?”  
“Now you’re talking challenging!” Max said, “I’m going to eat so much overcooked, below-government-standards diner food that i’ll pass out and you’ll have to get my stomach pumped!”  
“Not if I pass out first,” Sam challenged, and it was on.  
Girl Stinky handed them their menus and there they sat, focusing all their energy into finding the most disgusting-sounding meals.  
“Sooo are you going to order something, or are you just going to stare at your menus until you die of starvation due to your own indecisiveness?” Girl Stinky commented after a few minutes of silence from the two.  
“Silence, siren,” Max said, waving his hand at her. He was staring down his menu like it was data to be analyzed.  
“We need to figure out what the most grotesque thing on this menu is from the names alone,” said Sam, “A very difficult feat that requires intense concentration."  
“Good luck with that,” Girl Stinky snarked, “Absolutely everything on that menu is garbage with no nutritional value whatsoever. Ever since Grandpa got back in the kitchen, the food quality has gone down so low that even desperate, starving sewer rats wouldn’t be willing to stomach it.”  
“I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Grandpa’s Surprise Stew’ had desperate, starving sewer rats _in_ it,” Max said as he pointed out an item on the menu. “I’ll take some!”  
“Okay, the white rabbit will have the stew,” Girl Stinky muttered as she scribbled down the order on her notepad. “And what about the mad hatter over here?”  
“I’m assuming you’re talking about me,” Sam said. “I’ll have a bow wow with rabbit food and bullets, a yard bird sandwich with the works, and a life preserver on the side in case the disgusting taste stays in my mouth afterwards.”  
“Since when did you know diner lingo, Sam?” Max said, letting Stinky take his menu despite this being only the first round of the challenge.  
“An elective class in stewardess school,” Sam replied, “Taught to us just in case any diner owners were on board and we needed to understand their jargon to give them what they actually wanted when they ordered snacks.”  
“Or, you know, he could have googled it,” Girl Stinky said after writing down his order.  
“What’s google?” Sam asked.  
“Like google-y eyes?” Max said, equally curious.  
“I am begging you two to acquaint yourselves with a computer,” Girl Stinky said.  
“Hey, we know tons of computers!” Max said. “Bob, Curt, Bluster Blaster, Chippy, The Internet before we killed her….”  
“Maybe google has something to do with the internet, Max,” Sam said.  
“Where’d you draw that conclusion, a botched pictionary game?” Max said. “You sound almost as bad as Bosco.”  
“You’re right, my bad,” Sam said.  
“The level of stupidity here is astounding,” Girl Stinky muttered as she walked away.  
“What’s her problem?” Max asked Sam as they watched her go into the kitchen to tell Grandpa Stinky the order.  
“Working in retail does that to people, little buddy,” Sam responded.  
Max just nodded. He folded his hands and kicked his legs as he waited for his food.  
“I’ve never seen you this well-behaved, Max,” Sam said, noticing his boyfriend’s sudden calm demeanor.  
“Make no mistake, Sam,” Max responded, “I may seem tame now, but once our food gets here i’m going to ravage it like a wild lion who hasn’t had a meal in weeks. I’m simply saving my energy is all!”  
“Phew,” Sam said, “For a second there I thought something was seriously wrong.  
“What,” Max said, “Afraid of me acting like a gentleman?”  
“No,I just don’t think it’s possible,” Sam replied.  
“Oh really? How about this?” Max grabbed Sam’s hand and gave it a gentle kiss.  
Sam blushed and smiled. “I’d almost compare it to a knight and his lady, but since we’re nowhere near that level of classy, I won’t. Also, you slobbered all over my hand.”  
“That’s not the only thing that's going to get slobbered on," Max retorted.  
“Ew,” Girl Stinky said as she placed the boy’s meals down on their table. “Ew ew ew. Never say anything as disgusting as that in my diner ever again or I will call animal control.”  
“You’re just disgusted by true love,” Max said.  
“If that’s what true love consists of, I don’t want it,” Girl Stinky said.  
“I feel like the definition for true love changes from person to person,” Sam said, “And that it’s truly a beautiful thing when two peoples definitions match up, creating an inseparable bond that transcends any type of relationship we know of.”  
“That was beautiful, Sam,” Max said, “Too bad I wasn’t paying attention to any of it.”  
“Just eat your food, little buddy,” Sam said. He took a bite of his hot dog and cringed at the conflicting taste of lettuce and beans.  
“I just have to figure out how,” Max said. He tried picking up pieces of the stew with his hands after utensils proved useless, but the stew was so slimy it just kept slipping off everything.  
“Anything identifiable in there?” Sam said, looking at his boyfriend’s meal with caution.  
“Everything just looks like generic food items from a crappy video game,” Max said, “So no. Although I’m having a hard time telling if that long and thin thing at the bottom is a rat tail or moldy, months old spaghetti.”  
“Sounds grotesque,” Sam said.  
“How’s your everything chicken treating you?” Max said once he looked at the other plate on the table.  
Sam shuddered. “I haven’t even touched that yet. My hot dog is still giving me trouble.”  
“You should see a doctor about that, Sam,” Max said with a grin.  
“You’re a disgusting creature, Max,” Sam said with a grin. He leaned over the table to kiss his boyfriend on the forehead, then sat back down to try and tackle the taste-confused monstrosity that was his lunch.  
After the two somehow finished off their lunches, they both looked a little sick.  
“How’d you stomach your meal, Sam?” Max said.  
“Assuming I still have a stomach after that, not very well,” Sam responded. “I think I might hurl.”  
“Do it in your own bathroom,” Girl Stinky called. “Barf is near impossible to scrub off bathroom floor tiles. I’m speaking from experience here.”  
“I think we should call off the challenge for today,” Max said, holding his belly, “Not only am I full, I can also feel the slime from that stew lining my internal organs.”  
“At least it’ll be smooth on it’s way out,” Sam said.  
“That was one of the worst mental images I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing,” Max said, “Please marry me someday.”  
“I’d find that incredibly sweet if my insides weren’t murdering me right now,” Sam said with a half smile. “Let’s go home now.”  
“You said it!” Max said. He held the door open for his boyfriend and the two of them left the diner, sick to their stomachs.  
Girl Stinky sighed. They had forgotten to pay, as usual.


End file.
